According to the Union of American Physicians, “Jaw wiring (also known as maxillomandibular fixation) is a surgical procedure where metal pins and wires are anchored into the jaw bones and surrounding tissues to keep an injured jaw from moving. Damon Kost, lead guitarist for Minutes Like Ours has undergone this procedure. Fans around the world are heartbroken, how could such a calm and good-looking man fracture his jaw? Neither TMZ nor Perez Hilton could crack the story, but here at MLO Camp, we give you the INSIDE scoop on what happened.
Twas a chilly Tuesday night, January 9th, 2012, and Damon had just finished a Ménage à trios with the Swedish twins Bothild and Amborg. As per usual, Damon gets hungry after sex, so he went to the local bodega to satisfy his unquenchable appetite with a couple of taquitos. Slightly tipsy and walking with a swagger akin to Beauty and the Beast’s Gaston, he swung open the door, as a large burly man was about to walk out. Damon, being a chivalrous and thoughtful fellow, held the door for the mustached man. It was at this instance that Damon recognized this broad chested man-hunk; it was Tom Selleck. Rarely ever star struck, Damon extended his free left hand in a fist-pound type of motion, to which Selleck was happy to oblige. Content with his encounter, Damon walked into the store and strutted to the Tacquitos.
All of a sudden, a loud CRASH was heard outside, followed by three distinct gunshots. Damon wheeled, only to see a man holding a gun over a fallen Tom Selleck. Damon sprinted to the front door, kicked it open, and locked eyes with the killer. He couldn’t believe his eyes, and within half a second, Damon could identify him. It was a somber and downtrodden Keanu Reeves, holding gun in one hand, and a half a sandwich in the other.
It was hard to grasp the bitter truth. Damon knew that Tom Selleck had an affinity for cold-cut sandwiches, and because he had been playing so many television cops lately, most likely said a clichéd catchphrase before trying to snatch the sandwich from Keanu. Keanu, whose alcoholism convinced him he was actually in The Matrix, had no problem shooting a man because “nothing is real.
Damon, for some reason, ripped his pants off (which were apparently tear-aways) and kicked Reeves right in the chest. Reeves pistol-whipped Damon in the jejunum, causing him to vomit. Then he wrapped his hand around Damon’s throat and lifted him off the ground. Damon’s body writhed in mid-air, looking like an awkward version of the ever-so-funny running man, only this time, no one was laughing. Reeves slowly started to point his gun upward, taking aim at Damon’s chest. Just then, a large pipe came crashing down on Reeves’s skull. As he collapsed to the ground, Damon could see the charming smile of Tom Selleck, who pointed to the bullet-proof vest he was apparently wearing, once again for no good reason.
Damon dusted off his shirt, thanked Selleck, and turned to go back into the bodega to claim his taquitos. As he reached to grip the handle on the door, an elderly woman barged out, slamming the door into Damon’s mouth, breaking his jaw in 5 places.
Damon, now known as The Titanium Terror, is recovering well and was even seen at a NYC restaurant eating a steak! (Through a straw)
It was hard to grasp the bitter truth. Damon knew that Tom Selleck had an affinity for cold-cut sandwiches, and because he had been playing so many television cops lately, most likely said a clichéd catchphrase before trying to snatch the sandwich from Keanu. Keanu, whose alcoholism convinced him he was actually in The Matrix, had no problem shooting a man because “nothing is real.
Damon, for some reason, ripped his pants off (which were apparently tear-aways) and kicked Reeves right in the chest. Reeves pistol-whipped Damon in the jejunum, causing him to vomit. Then he wrapped his hand around Damon’s throat and lifted him off the ground. Damon’s body writhed in mid-air, looking like an awkward version of the ever-so-funny running man, only this time, no one was laughing. Reeves slowly started to point his gun upward, taking aim at Damon’s chest. Just then, a large pipe came crashing down on Reeves’s skull. As he collapsed to the ground, Damon could see the charming smile of Tom Selleck, who pointed to the bullet-proof vest he was apparently wearing, once again for no good reason.
Damon dusted off his shirt, thanked Selleck, and turned to go back into the bodega to claim his taquitos. As he reached to grip the handle on the door, an elderly woman barged out, slamming the door into Damon’s mouth, breaking his jaw in 5 places.
Damon, now known as The Titanium Terror, is recovering well and was even seen at a NYC restaurant eating a steak! (Through a straw)
